- “Turn Towards” your Spouse rather than turning away or against. A tendency to turn toward your partner when they make a bid for connection means you are good at listening and showing empathy. It’s the foundation of love and intimacy in a marriage. “Turning Away” (ignoring) and “Turning Against” (being defensive or shutting down) breed disconnection and resentment.
- Nurture Fondness and Admiration. Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities – even as you accept that they have flaws. Express your positive feelings and/or compliments out loud several times each day.
- Search for common ground when you have a disagreement and decide that it’s more important to foster good will than to be “right.” Ask yourself: would I rather be “right” or be happy? Listen to your spouse’s side of the story and strive to understand his or her perspective.
- Be vulnerable. Real intimacy requires that you be authentic even if it feels scary. The next time you are tempted to shut down or be defensive explore the emotions coming up for you and share them with your spouse. Accept that he or she may not be able to respond in a way that is nurturing in that moment and try to let go of your expectations for a loving response (it may come later).
- Establish an open-ended dialog regarding concerns. Don’t be surprised if some of your discussions are heated – especially around hot-button issues such as money, chores, vacations, in-laws, etc. The key to a successful marriage is knowing when to let “hot button” issues go and being able to take a break when you feel flooded.
- Repair your relationship after conflicts arise. Don’t put aside resentments that can destroy your relationship. Experiencing conflict is inevitable and couples who strive to avoid it are at risk of developing stagnant relationships. 69% of conflicts don’t get resolved but can be managed successfully. Learning ways to get back on track after a disagreement will boost your passion and strengthen your marriage.
- Spend time with your partner in new ways. For instance, changing the topic to something unrelated; using humor to diffuse tension; or offering your partner signs of appreciation such as “I love it when you massage my neck.” It doesn’t need to be more than a few minutes, but it is part of the time and energy investment
- Take an annual vacation together without your children or relatives. If you have a tight budget, try camping or plan a weekend get-a-way at a resort near your home.
- Practice Physical Reconnect. When you give an intimate kiss, it is not just the meeting of your lips. It usually involves touching with some other part of your bodies, i.e., hand on cheek, hand on hair, and embrace, etc. Having an additional point of physical contact during a kiss with your partner creates a deeper sense of intimacy.
- Increase physical affection. Hold hands with your partner, give them a massage, and demonstrate your love through touch. Physical contact releases feel good hormones. Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones—lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
The best way to keep your marriage fulfilling and passionate is to establish rituals to enhance your profound love and intimacy as a couple. A good marriage requires vulnerability to thrive. Responding positively to your partner’s bids for connection will help you bring out the best in one another.
